I have been having a little debate in my head about whether or not I should post about mine and Jordan's struggle to get pregnant for the last 15 months. For me, writing has always been such a good release of stress, emotion, tension... whatever you want to call it and every once and awhile I get this itch to just let the words flow out of my mouth and off of my chest. I have hesitated because I do not want a pitty party or people feeling sorry for us. I think it's more for me and my personal sanity. I also think it's good to remember all of the moments in between the "happy" moments that sometimes we purposely try to forget. It's good to look back and remember how hard a trial was and see what you learned or how your life has changed because of it. Those are the moments that really strengthen us and remind us that we are not perfect but that we are strong. Here is our story:
Two and a half years after we got married, I convinced Jordan that it was time for us to have a baby. I went to an O.B who informed me that I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and that I would probably have a difficult time getting pregnant. He discovered that I rarely ovulate on my own, making it extremely hard and nearly impossible to "plan" having a baby. I was about to start my 2nd month of Chlomid when we discovered that we were pregnant after trying for 5 months. Sadly, we miscarried in December of 2007. You never really think that you're going to have a miscarriage, that is just happens to other people, but we did. March rolled around and we were thrilled to find out that we were pregnant again with the help of Chlomid. Our sweet little Hendrix was born on December 15th 2008 and has changed out lives since then.
In October of 2009 we decided to start trying again (on our own) because we knew it would probably take us a while. I was feeling frustrated after 4 months of not having a cycle and never knowing when to time things. I went to see my doctor who recommended that we get on Chlomid again. In February 2010, I took Provera to help start my cycle and get things going. When I didn't have a period after 10 days, I discovered that I was pregnant and immedietly became nervous about losing another pregnancy. I just sort of knew that we were headed down that road again, I can't really explain why I felt this way but I did. Once again we miscarried. It's not easier the 2nd time around in case anyone was wondering.
We have been trying ever since then but with out any success. I have been on 7 rounds of Provera, 5 cycles of Chlomid (100 and 150 mg) and 3 cycles of Femara. I wasn't ovulating on the Chlomid so my O.B decided to try something different. Femara is a drug that is used to treat breast cancer but has a side effect of fertility. It has not been approved by the FDA to be used for fertility but it has been proven to work really well in women who have not responded to Chlomid. We actually had some luck the first month we were on it but not much since then. I am currently on the highest dose and hoping that this last attempt will work so that we won't have to see a fertility specialist.
Through all of this I have shed many tears, been on a rollar coaster of emotions, had my testimony ripped apart and have felt an unhealthy amount of anger. I haven't been left alone though. Jordan and Hendrix are my angels. They have been there for me through all of this and have given me the strength I need to get up everyday and be a good mother and wife. I know that we will be blessed with another little bundle of joy eventually but while I wait, I will soak up every ounce of Hendrix that I can. He reminds me everyday what is really important in life. He is my sunshine and I need him more then he needs me. I feel so incredibly lucky to have him in my life and to be his mommy.
As for Jordan, I can not thank him enough for dealing with my crazy, hormonal emotions and loving me anyway. I have already seen our relationship grow and become stronger since we've been on this journey together. It's incredibly hard to understand or even explain how love changes the longer you have been married and the more trials that go you go through together. I love him more and more everyday, even though I never thought that was possible. And THAT is how I stay positive and remain strong.
11 comments:
Oh Amy...that literally brought tears to my eyes. I can't even imagine going through what you have gone through. You are so strong and I admire your positive attitude. I really hope & pray that you are able to have another baby soon, especially since you guys made such a cute one already! I have heard acupuncture for infertility can be quite successful...not that you want advice or anything but I'm just throwing it out there. And one other thought...we conceived both of our kids and my brother conceived their first all in Arizona at my aunts house (not at the same time, haha)....we call it the "babymaker room"....if you want a vacation it might be worth a try! ;) Anyway, good luck with everything...we wish you the best!
Oh sweetie, I am so glad you posted this. I knew a bit of what you wrote and I want you to know that we love you guys SO much and remember you in our prayers constantly. I can only imagine how hard this is on you so I just want to remind you that you are an amazing wife, mother, sister and daughter. All our love!
I love that you posted this. I like the real posts even though they are hard to do! Can't wait until you post about your new little baby coming! It will happen :)
How many times do I need to tell you that you're having twins and that you're going through all of this because the timing wasn't right to have 2 right then and you needed the high doses of hormones to get them. Just accept the fact that 2 little babies will be coming to you soon. I'll start making 2 of everything...bows, blankets, carseat covers...I'd better get busy. On a serious note, I love you, you are SO STRONG, and are handling this hard trial with amazing strength. I can't begin to know how you are feeling or how hard this really is for you, I wish I did. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better, I wish I could make those little twin babies just appear inside your belly, I wish so bad I didn't have to see you sad, cry or hurt. The only thing I can do is pray for you and love you and tell you that are a WONDERFUL mother to that sweet little 'Drix of yours. Hang in there..."This too shall pass." Now on a lighter note - I'll just go ahead and "let" you take Kenli this week to feel that void. ;) She'll need all that extra love from you and Doodle while you have her. Have a good chat with her - she saw those little babies of yours just 6 short months ago. Try to coerce the info out of her! :) Aim, I hope you really know how much I love you and am thankful for your friendship and love. Thanks for sharing your feelings...it's good for everyone to hear and so good for you at the same time.
Amy! Beautifully written. You are amazing and your courage, inspiring. What darling parents you are. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help... on those rough days & even the better ones! Lots of love & prayers~
ashley nelson
PS... don't know if you have seen this blog, but for some reason I think you will like it... i grew up with her sister in AZ
http://vivafullhouse.blogspot.com/
my dear amy... i too thank you for posting this. i am so sorry for what you have been going through! while my troubles are nothing like yours, i too understand wanting something that just won't seem to come. if i've learned anything about life it is this... 'having faith in the lord includes having faith in his timing.' i sincerely thank neal a. maxwell for this... but at the same time, to hell with 'timing', right? :) thank goodness for your wonderful hubby and darling son! i have no doubt that they are even luckier to have you as their wife and hot mama. please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet little family. all my best and love!
I love your honesty and optimism, that even through over a year of trial you remain optimistic and grateful for what you have, an absolutely beautiful family and just about the cutest little boy I have ever seen.
It's a reminder to me to thank our H.F. everyday for the things that I often times actually take for granted. You are an amazing mommy Amy. Things will happen when you least expect it. Don't give up! Wendy is right, the Lord is going to slam you with twins or triplets...so he's just giving you a little break :o) Love you much.
Oh Amy - I think about you guys and this... "trial" quite often. It's not fair- and you guys are some of the happiest people we know. I don't know how you do it. You guys are awesome. I'm so glad you posted this.
Amy you are amazing at writing you brought tears to my eyes. It was so touching. I am sorry for your struggle but maybe this is all for a special reason. Someone has something very special planned for you!! I hope everything works out for you guys. I will be keeping you in my thoughts!!
Amy i am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are amazing for everything you are going through! I hope and pray that all of your efforts prove to be successful soon! :)
Amy, you are such an amazing person and I wish we saw more of each other. What a strength you are to others and I'm sure that took courage to write a post like that. You're an inspiration to everyone who knows you. I love you to pieces and hope nothing but the absolute very best for you and Jordan and stud muffin Hendrix.
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